It's like doing the stair stepper at the gym.
"Only 20 minutes left... that's just 10 minutes twice... only 5 minutes four times..."
And then the dreadful 20 minutes that was left is all over and you feel accomplished.
That's kind of how my brain works these days. I tell myself, "OK. 3 weeks left... that's 21 days... only 7 days three times. I've got this."
Let's first start out by talking about what happened last night. Because my gosh... this has been such a HARD week. I have a lot to share.
Last night (Saturday) around 8:30 PM I started feeling contractions. Although I honestly had no idea if they were contractions. It's been 3 1/2 years since I gave birth and I'm forgetting what it feels like to be in the early stage of labor. Because when you're pregnant, you just feel a lot of things going on inside (mamas... you get it). I had taken a Miralax early yesterday to help with constipation so I was already really gassy and finally passed some stools a couple of times. So I was wondering if what I was feeling were gas pains. But after awhile I started clocking them and noticed the mild cramp-like feelings were coming in 15-20 minute intervals pretty consistently. I started getting worried. By 11:15 PM I called for my nurse and she put me on the monitor. Sure enough, contractions. And I definitely felt them. They were mildly painful but nothing too crazy... just felt like some period cramps. But now the intervals were a bit shorter.
I called Michael and we stayed on FaceTime with each other for awhile while I was getting monitored. We were contemplating whether or not he should call my mom to come over (Dustin was sleeping) so that he could get down to the hospital. I had no idea what to do. Contractions were definitely happening but not quite close enough to need him to leave yet. After being on the monitor for awhile, my contractions went from being 8 minutes apart to slowing back down to 15 minutes apart… then 20…
The nurse and doctor left the decision up to me whether or not I wanted them to check my cervix to see if these contractions were causing any kind of opening or dilation. I chose not to because I didn’t want them to invade the cervix and cause something to happen unless my contractions were getting closer or more intense. So we left it alone.
They took me off the monitor and said to wait an hour to see if anything progresses. An hour went by and everything seemed to totally slow down. I had 2 small contractions within that hour and not nearly as strong as before. It was as if everything was subsiding. After an hour we decided to try and get some sleep and see what happens. It was 1:30 AM and I was so tired.
I woke up at 6:25 AM. I wasn't sure if I was more shocked that I wasn't woken up by contractions or that I was even able to shut my mind off enough to fall asleep. I mean, 7 hours ago I was so convinced baby was on their way. That this was going to be it. That I'll never get to the 32 week mark. But my body once again held on and pushed through yet another hurdle of this pregnancy.
Michael was shocked too. I guess he woke up around 6:00 AM when Dustin woke up calling out for him. He totally panicked thinking he missed a bunch of phone calls from me. But when he checked his phone, he was shocked too that it was 6:00 in the morning and zero missed calls.
I felt totally fine and did my daily morning routine of being back on the monitor machine. I was on it for 45 minutes and not a single contraction happened. So I guess we just continue to wait and see what happens. I feel like we're living on borrowed time right now and it's a very unsettling feeling. Every day matters. Every single day baby stays in me is huge. One of the nurses here said, "Each day in Antepartum is a milestone... and each week is a marathon."
When Michael and I were trying again to conceive, I remember telling him I had two fears for a second pregnancy. Obviously delivering early again and reliving a long NICU journey was one of my big fears. But the other fear was my water breaking early again and having to be on bedrest IN the hospital. See, last pregnancy my water broke at 29 weeks as well... but my contractions started 12 hours after getting to the hospital so I only experienced the thought of being on "bedrest" for those 12 hours. I also didn't have a child at home yet... so being stuck in a hospital didn't sound like the worst thing in the world as long as baby was staying put. But before conceiving, I told Michael my biggest fear in all of this was having to be on bedrest again and things NOT progressing... because now we do have another child at home this time... and having to be away from him for a long time almost made us not want to try at all. I didn't want to impact Dustin's life in any sort of way that would pose difficulty on all of us. I also knew how heartbroken I'd be and how much of a difficult time I'd have if this did end up happening. That fear was so strong, it took us until little man was 2 1/2 years old to finally be at peace with taking a leap of faith.
...and yet here we are. Living through the very thing I feared the most. I actually feared this happening more than my other fear. Because my other fear - although just as challenging (don't get me wrong) - was an experience we were already familiar with. What we WEREN'T familiar with was being separated as a family for over a month. That was something we didn't know how to navigate. I still feel like we don't know how to navigate it although we're trying our damn best to do everything right for Dustin.
My heart aches wondering what's going through his little mind. Is he thinking this is just how life is now? That mommy will be away forever? That mommy won't be coming home anytime soon? A 3 year old has zero concept of time. He doesn't understand what "3 more weeks" means. He has no idea when an END to all of this will ever come or IF an end will ever come for all he knows. We tell him I'll be coming home once baby comes out, but he doesn't have any perception of TIME. And that's what kills me inside. Wondering how long he thinks he has lost his mommy for.
Last Thursday was by far my hardest day so far. My boys came to visit me and it did not go well. Dustin was resenting me, giving attitude, wasn't being nice and kept asking to leave. I've never seen him like this before. Never. It was like he didn't even want to be here and was not excited to see me whatsoever. It destroyed my heart. It was so out of character for him. It's like I didn't even know who my son was that day. I didn't get to see him for a few days prior so I was so excited to spend time with him, play games, do some fun activities, DoorDash Chipotle to the room... but nothing sparked life into him. I don't think I saw a smile or heard a single laugh the whole visit. I felt like he was mad at me. Which made me feel so guilty. My soul was crushed.
I knew Michael felt horrible because he'd look at me as I was trying to hide the tears streaming down my face. I knew he felt horrible because he was trying just as hard as I was to get Dustin out of his funk. When it was time for them to leave, I hugged both of them goodbye and shut my door. Then I lost it. I totally lost it. I curled up on my bed holding my knees to my belly and just cried. I cried myself into what felt like a panic attack. I had to intentionally bring myself out of it because I knew my nurse was coming in soon to give me another stab in the arm. So I eventually pulled myself back together and just stared out the window praying to a God I felt so mad at.
Thursday was the first and only time I felt the special bond between me and DJ slipping between my fingers. As a mother, it was devastating. A feeling I never want to experience ever again. After that day, all I wanted was to desperately have that bond back.
I don't know how I'm supposed to go another 19 days feeling like this. It feels like an impossible mountain to climb right now and I'm struggling. Really struggling.
I know he loves me. I know this is just a tough season of life for us right now and I know (well, I hope & pray) that things will go back to normal between me and Dustin once I'm able to come home. But knowing this doesn't make the present time any easier.
Luckily the next day he visited me ended up being the best visit yet. He was so happy to see me, in such a great mood and so joyful. He didn't want to leave. He kept wanting to stay and do more things and was being extra cute with me. The boys stayed for almost 5 hours... way longer than their "allotted timeframe" they get but honestly, no nurses care. Nobody tracks how long they're here for or records anything. The nurses genuinely seem like they just want to see me happy. And that's exactly how I felt that day... so happy. My bucket was filled again and it was exactly what my mama heart needed.
The other day Michael texted me something Dustin said: When I was saying goodnight to him he says "daddy I know I'm here with you but in my heart I'm with mommy"
I read that text and bawled for about ten minutes straight. It was the sweetest, most heartbreaking thing I've ever read. Doesn't help that I received that text on a stretch of days I wasn't able to see my son. And being the open and authentic person I am on social media, especially sharing about this entire journey from day one, I posted a screenshot of that text and a picture of me bawling in that moment.
Now... I have to remember... for every 100 people that have been supporting me and encouraging me and uplifting me beyond words, there's always going to be that ONE person who says something rude and inappropriate.
Someone - a guy - messaged me saying, "This is all just temporary... you're stronger than that Rachel... you posted a picture of you crying... wouldn't you want to handle that privately?"
I was so blown away by how insensitive that message was.
I've been very open about all my feelings these last couple of weeks. I talk about the great things and the hard things. I openly share because that's just who I am. Always have been. It shouldn't be a surprise to any of you, or him. And I know when I subject myself to the opinion of others, I know I'm opening the door for a comment like that. But it still caught me off guard and was still hard to hear. People feel so powerful behind a damn phone screen nowadays, it's sickening.
WHY should we hide the emotion of sadness in private? Are we only supposed to use social media platforms to showcase our highlight reels? Because that's the most fake and fabricated life and I will not pretend to paint an unrealistic picture of what's going on.
He was right when he said this is a temporary season of life but it doesn't mean I can't hurt during this time. Try telling someone who got into a horrible car accident and needing major surgery that it's "just temporary" and that they'll heal in no time. Try telling someone who has a newborn needing open heart surgery that the surgery is "just temporary" so don't show anyone you're crying. Pretty much everything in life is temporary. The only thing that's not is death - but we cannot compare people's hardships in life to death. Death is tragic. It's heartbreaking. It's the absolute unimaginable. But people can have very difficult, challenging seasons of life without death needing to justify tears. You cannot compare apples to oranges.
I think what upset me the most about his message was that he said I'm stronger than this, which was basically telling me to "man the hell up" and stop crying. How about you man up and learn how to be a considerate adult. Not to mention, this all came from a guy who doesn't even have children.
But gosh I'm mad at myself. I'm mad I gave him the satisfaction of being so upset by his hurtful comments. Because people like that gain power when they see the reaction they intended for. But I'm human - I let the one negative message get to me instead of focusing on all the other daily, nonstop private messages that flood in of people supporting me, encouraging me and praying for us. So moving forward, I want to get better at brushing people off that hurt me. It's just always easier said than done.
OK... moving on.
Dustin has always said he thinks baby is a girl from the moment we told him he's going to be a big brother. He has not veered away from that thought over all these months. He actually says he wants it to be a girl. This has been surprising me this whole time. I thought maybe it's because his best buddy Mason has a little sister and Dustin just adores her. So maybe he thinks he's supposed to have a little sister too?
Well we finally found out why he's been saying he wants it to be a girl...
My mom texted me a few days ago on a day she was taking care of Dustin because Michael had shift. I guess Dustin told her he hopes baby is a girl because he's afraid we won't love him as much if baby is another boy.
WOW. The innocence. The purity. The sweetness and sadness all rolled into one statement. One deep, sincere thought from such a young little boy. A thought that he finally articulated out loud. My heart broke that this entire time, that's what's been going through his mind - his fear of thinking he won't be loved the same. When I read that text from my mom I just sank into my chair wishing I could've hugged him in that very moment and give him the affirmation he needs. Poor buddy. I told Michael when I see him next, I want to make sure we have a conversation with him about this so he knows we will continue to love him with all our hearts whether it's a boy or a girl. Nothing will ever change that.
5 days ago I was finally granted more "freedom" to walk the hallways without being in a wheelchair. I still don't have permission to leave my room alone but as long as I have a visitor with me, we can take a short walk together. It was such a relief to feel like I gained a little freedom now. It's the little things in life around here...
Speaking of the little things... MEALS. Wow have I felt so grateful for the people in our lives making us meals. I say US because people aren't just making food for me but for my boys as well. Michael hasn't had to worry about grocery shopping or cooking since the day I got admitted and I know he's been so thankful for the help. My mom has been busy in the kitchen making tons of meals for us, a firefighter wife dropped off two huge pans of lasagna and tater tot hot-dish, a few of my friends dropped off pans of food as well along with muffins and soup... I cannot thank all of you enough for providing the three of us meals during this time. It's truly been such a huge help. Michael and my mom restock my mini fridge with more meals each time they come and visit. So if you know of anyone going through a similar situation like this, make them a meal. I promise it goes a long way. Don't wait for them to ask you because more than likely you'll never be asked. Just do it.
It's a weird feeling... laying here with so many restrictions and feeling like I'm in jail when I feel completely fine. I mean, I know my water broke. I totally understand WHY I'm having to stay here and why I'm having to be closely monitored. But it doesn't take away the fact that it feels so odd to honestly feel physically normal and be stuck on modified bedrest.
All the nurses around here sure love Dustin. He's so polite to everyone and always sparks conversations with the staff. He's such a social butterfly and has no fear in talking to anyone. I love that about him. He got a toy monster truck from someone in the hospital one day and he was so excited to show it off to my nurse. I love how joyful he gets about the littlest things in life and how much he always wants to share exciting stuff about his life with the most random strangers.
My arms are bruising. Bad. They give me 3 blood thinner shots per day and I get them in the back of my arm where my tricep muscles are. I rotate arms each time but I'm getting bruises from being stabbed so often. Sometimes I choose to get them in the leg but my legs are now bruising faster than my arms. I'm also no longer on antibiotics... so I'm praying each day for no uterus infection to happen. This is the biggest risk after a woman's water breaks... an infection happening. Hence why I have to stay at the hospital and get monitored various times throughout the day.
I've been getting the absolute worst sleep here and my body has hated me for it. It's not even the bed that's giving me bad sleep. It's that I'm always waking up every hour or two because I feel leaking. See, I'm still leaking amniotic fluid every day.. have been since my water totally broke. I have to wear the big ol' maxi pads and the sexy mesh underwear you normally wear post-delivery. And for whatever reason, I feel like I leak more at night and it wakes me up. There's nothing worse than feeling wetness in your underwear. It's so annoying. So yeah, my sleep has been terrible. I got a horrible headache the other day and I know it was from such significant lack of sleep. It lingered all day long. It was one of those headaches you're contemplating whether it's a migraine or not because it's about to put you over the edge. Now, I'm not one to put any kind of medication in my body unless I absolutely have to, especially when pregnant. I won't even take a Tylenol when I have a growing baby in me. But that night I was so desperate for a better night of sleep... so desperate for some relief that I decided to take a sleeping aid pill. These pills have been offered to me almost every night since I was admitted... and even though most long term patients on Antepartum take these to help them sleep, I've always said nahhh I'm ok. But I finally caved and took one.
Oh my goodness, that backfired on me. It did the total opposite of what it was intended for. I got so loopy and nauseous, almost as if I chugged two beers and then tried to lay down. It made me super anxious and hot and uncomfortable. I didn't get to sleep until almost 2:00 AM because the feeling the pill gave me was awful. I never took another one of those pills again.
I've been nose deep in Colleen Hoover books. I forgot how much I love reading and how easy it is for these fictional characters to consume my life until the book is finished. Ever since Dustin was born, I feel like I've had no time to read. I'm always so busy with him and whenever he naps, I work on fulfilling orders for my business or I'm busy cleaning the house. So being stuck in the hospital has forced me to do SOMETHING with my time. It's actually been really nice getting back into reading again. I blame my friends Brittney, Linnea and Haley who all dropped off a different Colleen Hoover book when they visited me at the hospital. Now I'm obsessed with her writing. I ordered 2 more of her books and had them delivered to our house so Michael brought them to me. But now I'm already finished with those too... so I ordered another 2 more. That's 7 Colleen Hoover books since being here. Clearly I highly recommend checking her books out if you haven't already.
Halloween is tomorrow. I'm definitely having a hard time thinking about how much I've missed out on between yesterday's festivities and tomorrow's. Yesterday was the big annual Halloween parade downtown Anoka and it's one of my very favorite days of the year. My in-laws live right on the path of the Gray Ghost 5k Run so ever since I've been part of the Jordan family, we've always hung out at the end of their driveway to watch all the runners run by in their costumes and then walk up to the big parade full of thousands of people. If you've never been to the Anoka Halloween parade, it's a must! It's a couple hours long - so when I say it's a big parade, I mean BIG. And the whole city is dressed up in costumes. I was so sad yesterday missing out on all the fun. I'm also looking ahead at tomorrow and I know I'm going to be sad missing out on trick-or-treating with DJ. Not to mention - the weather has been BEAUTIFUL this month. The most perfect fall weather for all these fun activities and I'm just sitting in a damn room with a big window that I can't even see the sky from.
It sucks. Missing out on so much going on and feeling so removed from the rest of the world. It's a very depressing feeling. Luckily I get a ton of photos and videos of Dustin sent to me throughout the day from Michael... which helps a ton. But it also makes me sad because my heart aches wishing I was there with them. Especially the videos of Dustin saying how much he misses me and loves me. Those are the cutest, sweetest, but hardest videos to watch.
I think that wraps up all my updates in a nutshell. But I'd like to end with one final thing...
Hard times reveal true friends.
I also believe hard times reveal people's true character. Meaning... there's people that have followed me on Instagram for a long time but I've actually never met them in person, or people that I know but haven't seen in a long time, and these people are all pouring out so much love and support by doing things for us, making meals, buying things for Dustin to do at the hospital, dropping off gift baskets full of goodies, sending us Venmo gifts... it's been the most amazing thing seeing so many unexpected people caring so much about us.
Then there's people who I thought were friends, some even being lifelong friends... and we don't hear a word from them. I haven't even heard from some family members.
BUT - people that have been showing up, reaching out, making an effort and caring about us are the only people we need in life. The rest just seem to be sitting back silently watching.
I'll blog again soon, xo.
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