Remember when I said I would never order from the hospital menu? Well... I did. I ordered cheese. That's it. One slice of cheddar cheese. The lady on the phone had to ask me three times to clarify. This clearly was a first for her.
I was making a breakfast sandwich using the griddle Michael brought me and all I needed was cheese. About 30 minutes went by and I heard a knock on my door. A man walked in holding a tray with a fancy covered plate, a fork/knife/spoon nicely tucked into a folded napkin, a little thing of butter accompanied by a salt/pepper packet and a receipt. I remember thinking uhhhhhh I didn't order a meal... and sure enough, I lift the lid and there laid a lonely piece of sliced cheese. I was cracking up. Such an extravagant presentation!
I don't even know if I can have a griddle in here. But sometimes it's just better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. I've had it in my room for 2 weeks and nobody has ever said a word about it... I mean, it's not like I hide it. It's out in the open ready to use whenever! So as far as I'm concerned, I'm a genius. I've made protein pancakes on it a few times too. You learn how to improvise and get creative when you're stuck in hospital room for almost a month.
I'm officially 32 weeks + 2 days. It does not even feel real in all honesty. 3 weeks ago I thought this baby was going to fly out of me before even getting to the hospital. Especially considering how much came out of me when my water broke. Yet here I am... 12 days away from being induced and meeting our son or daughter for the first time. IF I make it the next 12 days. But I'm very hopeful and have a good feeling.
At this point, I'm not scared anymore if baby comes before I hit 34 weeks. I'm finally at a point in all of this where I feel a sense of peace if baby does decide to make their arrival now. Of course we want to make it these next 12 days and that's our ultimate goal. But I cannot tell you how good it feels to have this massive weight off my shoulder... to not be in a place of feeling scared anymore. Now I feel excitement! We've already made it 2 1/2 weeks longer than we did with DJ and that alone is HUGE. There's so much development and growth that happens each week at this point in pregnancy so every week truly makes a big difference. Even every day matters. They say that every day in Antepartum chips off 2-3 days of NICU time.
I found out some really exciting news the other day that almost brought me to tears. A few days ago the doctor came in to check in with me and asked if I had any questions. I asked about the induction process and what to expect because I was not induced with Dustin so I have no idea what to mentally prepare for. Truthfully, I don't really want to get induced. I wish I could go into labor whenever my body naturally tells me it's ready. But the risk of infection happening gets higher and higher as the days go by so it's really not worth the risk to go any further. But here's the good news - they said if I can make it to at least 33 weeks (which will be this upcoming Friday), I'll be able to deliver in a LABOR ROOM. A real room to give birth in. A room where specialty care will come to ME to assess baby and give him/her whatever extra care they'll need... like a possible nasal cannula to assist with breathing (or maybe baby won't even need any assistance!).
I know all of you moms reading this probably don't realize how exciting that is for me... to have a real labor room. Because that's normal to most of you. But everything about both my pregnancies have been nothing normal at all. So this is a really big deal. When I went into labor with Dustin, I had to deliver him in an operating room being only 29 weeks + 6 days. A very white, sterile and massive bright room. I pushed out a 3 lb 1 oz baby and didn't even get to touch or see his body before they took him away to the resuscitation room to get assessed/intubated. It was the most amazing and devastating moment all wrapped into one. Honestly, the details are a blur. But I didn't get to touch my son until the next day... until I was able to hold him on my chest as he was hooked up to what seemed like a hundred cords.
So yeah, hearing I get to deliver in a labor room if I can make it to that point makes me excited. I so badly want to experience birthing my child and getting to hold him or her on my chest for immediate skin-to-skin bonding. I was totally robbed of that moment last time. No mother should have to experience the deep heartache that comes with their baby being taken away so fast after her own body just nourished that child for months and months. It's like a piece of you gets ripped from your soul and bam - it's out of sight. I really don't want to relive that again.
Obviously I have no control over that happening so I can't sit here and stress about it by any means. But I do hope and pray to experience what most mothers don't even think about NOT experiencing. There's a small population of us who DREAM of a moment like that as if it's not expected but rather a bonus if it happens. I want my bonus to come. I want it more than anything. And I know after everything we've been through, I deserve to have that "bonus" moment.
The other day I met three other women on my floor who have also been here awhile. I can't believe I was here 3 weeks before I even stepped out of my comfort zone to meet some of them but I finally did. Now we're in a group text with each other. The other day we went on a 40 minute walk together outside around the building to pass some time, breathe in fresh air and get some movement in our day. So that's what we did, though I realized afterward I cannot go that long. It's a hard reality for me to accept that I no longer should be walking more than 15-20 minutes at a time. I'm the only one here that has their water broken so I'm the only one leaking amniotic fluid. The more I walk around, the more I leak. And the day I went on a 40 minute walk with them definitely resulted in more leaking, which made me a little nervous. So moving forward, I need to cut my walk short before they're ready to be done and head back to my room. It sucks but I know we're all stuck in Antepartum for different reasons, restrictions and journeys. And this is mine.
It's been nice chatting with them and hearing their stories. It makes me feel less alone although none of them have any kids at home. I was selfishly hoping one of them did so I could connect with the heartache they feel too. But now I find myself sitting in my room feeling even more isolated and sad because I'm the only one on this floor feeling a deep ache in my heart being away from a child... an ache nobody here can relate to.
Last blog post I shared how much I'm bruising from all the blood thinner shots I'm getting. Well, now it's worse. I suppose it'll continue getting worse until I'm just done with them altogether. I swear us women sacrifice so much with our bodies just to bring life into this world. But I'm in so much pain. They're having a hard time finding new areas to poke me that aren't already bruised. A few days ago I got poked in an extra sensitive spot... maybe it hit a nerve or something. But wow, I could barely move my arm for a solid 36 hours. I was in so much pain, I could barely get a shirt on without squeezing my eyes shut and bracing myself. These daily injections are awful. I cringe every time I get them which is now down to twice a day.
I'm sooooo curious as to how big baby is measuring. I won't get a growth ultrasound done until a couple days before I deliver... so I still have some time until I get an estimate on baby's weight. But gosh I hope he or she is growing well inside. I worry because of my uterus abnormality. Baby only has half the space to grow in so he or she is stuck on one side which can restrict their growth - but not always. Dustin grew on the left side of my uterus and this baby has been growing on the right. They call it the "right horn" of a bicornuate uterus. A bicornuate uterus is "heart shaped" where there's a septum that comes down from the top and splits the uterus in half. Not completely in half, though. Depending on the severity of it, some women have a septum that comes down just partially and some women have one that comes down very far. Unfortunately, mine is one that comes down pretty far. But a bicornuate uterus will still have a pathway under the septum wall where the amniotic fluid can interchangeably shift between both sides. And according to the BPP ultrasound I get every Wednesday, they're seeing quite a bit of fluid hanging out in the empty left horn. They're actually seeing part of baby's umbilical cord floating around in the left horn as well. Gosh the woman's body is incredible.
Our bodies are designed to grow, nourish and house these little humans and my abnormality adjusts accordingly. My right side expands and stretches to accommodate for baby's growth while my left side stays really small. It also causes my baby bump to look very lopsided although you can't really tell when I'm standing up. It only looks lopsided when I lay down... sometimes REALLY lopsided. It also means baby is pushing deep into the right set of my ribs, often making it feel like they're breaking in half. The other day I was having a really hard time because baby was putting so much pressure on my ribcage. Every breath I took, I felt intense, sharp pain to the point where I had to take super small, shallow breaths until baby moved into a new position. I honestly could barely move or breathe for awhile. I know it's common for all women to feel some pain in the ribs with every pregnancy as babies get bigger... but gosh. When baby is stuck on one side, my right ribs never catch a break and the pain is so intense.
Michael and Dustin still visit a handful of times each week. It really lifts my spirits up when I can see them. The cupboard in my room is full of things for Dustin to do when he's here... board games, coloring, painting, snacks for him, crafts... we also cuddle on the bed and watch a movie on my laptop. I think he's the only one in the world who loves hospital beds. He thinks it's so cool how it can recline up and down both at the head and foot of the bed. Someone also gifted Dustin a kid friendly polaroid camera and this has been THE BEST gift we have received (aside from home cooked meals!). DJ is obsessed with the camera. He loves taking pictures of everything we do at the hospital and everything he sees as we walk around. He likes to capture every moment and I just think it's the sweetest thing ever. There's a little keepsake book that came with the camera so he slides all his polaroids into their own individual pockets which is so great because I know we will cherish these memories forever. DJ is so into these pictures that we actually had to buy more polaroid film and another book since his is almost full.
We also bring him to the "play area" which is actually over at the Children's side of this hospital. It's for children who are patients here or siblings of patients. Technically DJ shouldn't have access to it because he's neither of those, plus the Mother Baby Center I'm in isn't affiliated with the play area and doesn't have a connection to them. But the kind of mom I am, I advocate for what our family needs and what I think would benefit Dustin the best. So I got Dustin a special "ticket" to have access to the play area and it's really been a huge help. He likes going in there to play with toys and do arts & crafts. It helps break up our visit and keeps him busy while having fun! So for all you mamas out there - this is your friendly reminder to always ADVOCATE for your kids. Always!
I still have many moments where I slip down a path of tears and feel extremely homesick. Dustin is having quite a few moments lately too. The other day he had his first day of hockey. Michael is helping the coach so he's able to be out on the ice... and he said DJ did so great! Had the best day of skating he's had yet. But at one point he randomly stopped skating and looked at Michael and started crying saying how much he misses his mommy. He also did this at my parents house when they were taking care of him when Michael was gone on shift. And another time at school (he goes to ECFE one morning a week). It happens so randomly and out of nowhere - which means he's definitely thinking of me and it's on his mind all the time. It breaks my heart. I know he's hurting and missing me just as much as I'm hurting and missing him. It's hard. I don't share every moment I break down nor do I share every moment Dustin does either. It's a struggle we're having to navigate and as time goes on, it presents different challenges.
BUT - on a brighter note, I get to wake up tomorrow morning with 11 days left of this nightmare. ELEVEN DAYS you guys. I hope and pray we can make it to that 34 week mark but whatever happens, happens. I have such a blanket of peace and comfort wrapped around me that I didn't have the last 3 weeks.
Now I've entered the stage of excitement. Which is pretty damn special and I deserve to feel this emotion now.
This may be my last blog post until baby makes their arrival. We'll see :)
Talk soon, xo
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