A Miscarriage & Answered Prayers (wrote 1/17/2019)

I wanted to write this blog post because I wish more people talked about the topic of miscarriages. It is such a difficult, heartbreaking experience - and an experience you should never have to face without support. So here is my story in hopes that women can start to feel more comfortable being honest and open about their struggles and their stories too.... because we all know, social media has the reputation of only showing people's highlights. Only a handful of people know, but Michael and I were first pregnant back in the summer. This pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and never in my life did I feel so depressed until the day I was in the hospital bed. It was the morning of Friday, August 17. The morning after my dear Stella passed away. I know you dog lovers may think it's crazy for someone to get so sad about losing "just a cat" but she wasn't just a cat. She was my world... my little buddy. But God works in miraculous ways. He shows up on days you need Him the most. And that Friday morning after Stella died, I took a pregnancy test and saw a really faint line (we had been trying for 3 months at this point). Needless to say - I was SO excited to see a line at all. My heart began to burst with joy while my husband was at work. The line was very faint though and I needed a little more reassurance before breaking the excitement to Michael... so I decided to wait one more day to test again. I went shopping with my mom and it took everything in me not to tell her about what I saw a few hours ago. My mom and I are close like that - we tell each other just about everything there is to possibly tell (sometimes TMI... actually, always TMI). I sent a photo of the pregnancy test to my cousin and she said, "Rach, I see it! There's a line!" So her and I had a little secret together that I somehow kept between us. Soon enough it was the next morning: Saturday, August 18. How I even fell asleep the night before without Michael knowing about all this is BEYOND me. I seriously suck at holding secrets. Anyway... Michael was down at the St. Paul Fire Department doing some training and I took another pregnancy test. Yep - the line was indeed there! A darker line. I grinned ear to ear. I immediately sent a photo of the test to my cousin again and to my close friend Amanda, who was also pregnant. Both assured me I was totally prego! I can't explain the feeling I had in that very moment - but I was filled with so much happiness. It finally felt real. I spent that morning with my mom again at the Minneapolis Farmer's Market. It took total self control not to say a word to her. I couldn't tell her without telling Michael first. So I went about my day and later on we hosted a Spikeball tournament. I continued to keep the news from Michael because I had a master plan to tell him in a really cute way on Sunday (I love surprises... Makes life fun!). As if not telling my mom was hard enough - not telling Michael practically killed me. So Sunday came, August 19. We went to church, we went to a couple's baby shower (ironic, yeah?), and that night I told Michael one of my friends, who was a "new photographer," wanted to practice on us to develop her portfolio (total lie... she's been doing photography for 9 years). Little did he know, her and I had a whole plan awaiting him. All details aside - I told him I was pregnant through a photo shoot. ​Anyway... Flash forward a week later when we decided to tell our parents. It was still pretty early on so we were unsure whether or not we should tell them yet - but honestly, it's so hard not to tell your own parents when there's so much excitement within you. So we broke the news to them! Both set of parents were filled with tears and joy. Flash forward a few more days.... I was on my way to the veterinarian to pick up Stella's remains (ugh...) and I started having really painful cramps. I could tell these were not normal cramps either - it was pain that really alarmed me. When I got home, I went to the bathroom and sure enough - blood. Not a lot, but enough to make me worried. Michael was busy down at the Fire Department again with some more training so I knew he didn't have his phone on him. I waited a little while and went to the bathroom again... and sure enough - more blood. I panicked. I knew what was happening but didn't want to believe it. I called my mom crying, telling her I think I'm having a miscarriage. I drove myself to the hospital and called Michael's phone. I left a voicemail and told him what was happening. My mom and Michael ended up coming to the ER and thank God they did... because it was a long 7 hours being hooked up to an IV (at one point my blood pressure dropped significantly) and I was so emotional, it was nice to have the support. Long story short, I did have a miscarriage. I can't explain the feeling of emptiness I felt. I wasn't even far along - just about 6 weeks - yet I felt like a part of me was already missing. All that excitement, all that joy, all that future planning - gone. Just gone. The photoshoot photos? Useless to ever share with the world. Telling my parents they're going to be grandparents for their first time? I'll never get that moment back. Talking to Michael about whether we're going to want to know the gender or not? Not in conversation anymore. It just felt incredibly sad. ​I started doing a ton of research on miscarriages and how often they occur and what to expect moving forward and when we can start trying to conceive again. Miscarriages are so "hush hush".... and until I started opening up to other women about what happened to me, I didn't realize just how many of them had miscarriages too. Unfortunately women feel so alone in this and lost in hope. I felt comforted talking to other women about their miscarriage experiences. I had NO idea. Almost every woman I spoke with is already a mom so I never would have known. If you're one of those women I talked to about my loss - and you know who you are - thank you. Thank you for also opening up to me and giving me hope and affirmation that I wasn't battling this loss alone. For giving me hope that I will one day have a healthy child just like you. The month after miscarrying, we started trying again. I heard through all my research and through friends that a woman is actually more fertile after a miscarriage... so our hopes were pretty high! I was quite emotional still and my heart continued to weigh heavy. I started becoming so aware of every mom and child around me everywhere I went. I would run to Target and a pregnant lady would walk past me. I would go to the grocery store and see a crying baby wishing I had a crying baby. I would be at Caribou seeing a little girl hold her mommy's hand waiting for their drinks. And I swear, every person on Facebook and Instagram was pregnant. The thing is though... these women and children have been surrounding me my entire life. But it wasn't until my miscarriage that I became incredibly hyper-aware of every person that came into view. The first month of trying again didn't end up being our special month. The day I got my period was just a really disappointing feeling. When you want something so badly and it doesn't happen, it's truly a feeling of discouragement and emptiness. Especially when the one thing you want so much is something you have to wait an entire month for all over again. And again. And again. God was really testing my patience - and I am not a very patient person. But I also believe He was testing my faith and how much trust I have in Him. So I started praying every morning on my way to work. "God, fill me with your power and spirit. Remind me to accept the things I cannot change. I pray for patience in the months to come. I pray you give me strength in the days and moments I need it the most. And I pray that you continue to remind me to trust in your timing, trust in the plan you have for my life and please Lord - I pray for the creation of a miraculous little baby this month." I said that prayer every day. Every day for as many days as I can think of. Then, on October 25 I got a positive pregnancy test. I was overwhelmed with joy - but apprehensive. I had so many mixed emotions to be completely honest. I wanted to be over-the-moon happy... but it was hard to feel that emotion when I also had so much fear and worry. I didn't want to experience heartbreak again. I didn't want to go through another loss. I didn't want to endure another emotional roller coaster all over again. Michael and my cousin were the only two people that knew about me being pregnant again - and both were so loving and encouraging despite my doubts and worries. I finally got to a point where I pushed all my anxiety away, all my fear aside, all my "what-ifs" - and I decided to be HAPPY. EXCITED. JOYFUL. THANKFUL. and every other emotion that comes with a positive pregnancy test. Because you know what? I told myself, "Maybe this time is different. Maybe this is the special timing God has for me. Maybe this is the baby that's meant to be." And how awful of me to NOT be excited during a time I absolutely deserve to be?!?! I'm not going to lie - throughout the first trimester, I still had my moments and days that I just felt complete fear. And I still do - because you never know what could happen. But I'm really trying to live in the moment, take it one day at a time and trust that God will protect me and this little baby. So here I am - 16 weeks pregnant and sharing my story to the world because if you have ever experienced a miscarriage - or ever will - please please please know: you are not alone. It's more "normal" than you'd ever think - and if it happens, it doesn't mean you won't ever have a healthy pregnancy moving forward. 13 women. THIRTEEN women I talked to since my miscarriage all had 1 (or more) miscarriages too. And yet 11 of the 13 now have children of their own. So I want all of you ladies to know - do not feel guilty or feel like it's your fault if a miscarriage happens. It just happens. Usually because something was wrong with the genetic makeup of the baby right away so our bodies naturally get rid of it. Whether you miscarried early on like I did or later in your pregnancy - it's emotionally difficult. It's important to reach out to supportive people so you don't have to face the challenges alone. Unfortunately miscarriages are very common (1 in 4 women will experience one) but do not lose hope. Have faith, keep trying, talk to God every day and ask Him to answer your prayers... and your rainbow baby will happen when the timing is right.